With my first 50 miler on the horizon, all the questions are beginning to pop into my head. The mind games begin.
Going into Knee Knacker this year, I still had thoughts of dropping down to the 50 km distance for Squamish 50. 80 kms seemed surreal to me. And unattainable, especially given my lack of committment to training. My plan was to see how Knee Knacker went and decide post race. With only minimal leg cramping up the Seymour Grind and IT band issues that all vanished in the last 4 km of the race, I thought, what's another 30 km? So the #SQ50 mile it is.
But now, with only 3 1/2 weeks to go, my mind is racing with questions.
The questions are endless. And only seem to lead to more questions. Thankfully there is no self doubt. I know I can do this. The biggest question leads back to my initial post in January, Running For Mai Tais, where I questioned my mental negativity. I'm slow. I finish at the very back of the pack. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this, but am I really a back of the packer? Or am I slow because I believe I'm slow? Do I finish in the last few slots of a race because I think that's where I should be? I finish every race feeling good.
And as Elaine reminded me post-KK, 'You know what that means?'
'Yup. I'm not pushing myself hard enough.'
I know this. And yet I still don't push myself out of my comfort zone. Running 50 - 80 kms isn't out of my comfort zone. Racing 50 - 80 kms IS out of my comfort zone. So why have I never pushed myself to run harder; to run faster? Our first big group run up Black to Cleveland was my first, 'huh' moment. At each trailhead, everyone moved aside to let me go first. And when I managed to keep up with Linda on all the downhills to the dam, whose marathon pace carrying a giant Terry Fox flag is my tempo pace, I had the epiphany, 'Maybe I am faster than I think I am.' After pushing myself harder chasing Linda and Rosie, I wasn't bent over gasping for breath. In fact, I felt better at the dam. I felt high and giddy and excited. I pushed myself that little bit harder and it was fun. If everyone I run with thinks I'm strong, why don't I put that confidence into my racing and actually push myself instead of just ambling along?
With only 3 1/2 weeks until my first 50 miler, it's a little late to make the big changes now, but again I'm led to the question I always ask, 'What could I do if I actually trained?' I have my kick ass training plan from Ridgeline Athletics, yet I lack the discipline to stick to it. But if I can finish Knee Knacker in 9:53 only running twice a week; no speed work; no hill work; and the laziest core and glutes known to Ultrarunning, what the hell could I do if I threw those things into the mix?
Going into Knee Knacker this year, I still had thoughts of dropping down to the 50 km distance for Squamish 50. 80 kms seemed surreal to me. And unattainable, especially given my lack of committment to training. My plan was to see how Knee Knacker went and decide post race. With only minimal leg cramping up the Seymour Grind and IT band issues that all vanished in the last 4 km of the race, I thought, what's another 30 km? So the #SQ50 mile it is.
But now, with only 3 1/2 weeks to go, my mind is racing with questions.
- What will I wear to avoid chafing? In KK, my left arm began chafing in the first half from the sweaty, muggy climbing up Black and the misty rain on Cypress. I was constantly wet...skin was rubbing...chafing ensued.
- What will I eat over 17 hours? Because honestly, the thought of 34 rootbeer gels is doable, but I don't want to end up traumatized post-race whenever someone mentions rootbeer and suddenly start dry heaving or curling up into the fetal position in horror. Rootbeer is awesome. Don't fuck with my love for pop.
- Drop Bag. What the hell do I put in here (besides a Radler)? I've never considered my runs long enough to warrant a drop bag, let alone the 2 I can have for SQ50. The only reason I had one at KK was to have dry clothes to change into and like Gary Robbins said, just in case. You may not need anything, but wouldn't you rather have something there if you did need something? Or words to that effect. So maybe I won't drink that Radler, but will knowing it's there waiting for me ensure I get to Quest? And does this mean I get 2 outfit changes? Which leads back to the first question, What will I wear? And now what will I change into? And then change into again? #panic
- How fast can Gary run it? Because my tried and true race equation of 'double it and add a bit' works EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The questions are endless. And only seem to lead to more questions. Thankfully there is no self doubt. I know I can do this. The biggest question leads back to my initial post in January, Running For Mai Tais, where I questioned my mental negativity. I'm slow. I finish at the very back of the pack. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this, but am I really a back of the packer? Or am I slow because I believe I'm slow? Do I finish in the last few slots of a race because I think that's where I should be? I finish every race feeling good.
And as Elaine reminded me post-KK, 'You know what that means?'
'Yup. I'm not pushing myself hard enough.'
I know this. And yet I still don't push myself out of my comfort zone. Running 50 - 80 kms isn't out of my comfort zone. Racing 50 - 80 kms IS out of my comfort zone. So why have I never pushed myself to run harder; to run faster? Our first big group run up Black to Cleveland was my first, 'huh' moment. At each trailhead, everyone moved aside to let me go first. And when I managed to keep up with Linda on all the downhills to the dam, whose marathon pace carrying a giant Terry Fox flag is my tempo pace, I had the epiphany, 'Maybe I am faster than I think I am.' After pushing myself harder chasing Linda and Rosie, I wasn't bent over gasping for breath. In fact, I felt better at the dam. I felt high and giddy and excited. I pushed myself that little bit harder and it was fun. If everyone I run with thinks I'm strong, why don't I put that confidence into my racing and actually push myself instead of just ambling along?
With only 3 1/2 weeks until my first 50 miler, it's a little late to make the big changes now, but again I'm led to the question I always ask, 'What could I do if I actually trained?' I have my kick ass training plan from Ridgeline Athletics, yet I lack the discipline to stick to it. But if I can finish Knee Knacker in 9:53 only running twice a week; no speed work; no hill work; and the laziest core and glutes known to Ultrarunning, what the hell could I do if I threw those things into the mix?