When I got to that first aid station I looked longingly at the fog and wished desperately to go on. I came back to this race anticipating the views while running along the cliffs up and down to the beaches. This time around, I would get no such views. After the sweeper came through, we tore down the aid station, crammed me into the back seat along with the tent poking out each side window and drove back to the finish area. Tyson and Tyler left me with their favourite mexican blanket and some massive bear hugs. They were the bomb. They had me in hysterics the entire ride back, which thankfully didn't entail going back on that horrible road from Stinson Beach. I definitely worried about that. I made myself useful at the finish and set up all the snacks. Then loaded all the beer into the icy cold cooler because beer is important. And then it hit me. I just DNF'd. I came all this way and only made it 9.5 kilometres. This sucks ass. After watching the first guy come in with a stunning 3:43, I needed to go for a walk. I walked over to Rodeo Beach, sat down to watch the surfers, and just let the tears roll down my face. I was devastated. And I no longer hurt. My skin was no longer sensitive, my heart no longer racing, my head only mildly hurting. Why did I stop? I could've finished this. I know the side effects to these drugs only last a few hours. Three hours. I planned on being out there for eight. Why did I stop? I had so much self doubt racing through my head. I wondered if I had just made it bigger in my head by thinking about the racing heart and the painful skin, thus convincing myself I should stop. When I ran Coastal 50 in 2012, I thought 'I just want to fall and hurt myself so I don't have to finish.' This too was in the first 10 km. Did I just struggle through the first 10 km like I did the first time around and this time actually convinced myself to quit? I don't know if I'll ever have the answer.
I went for a hike up the hill to see the views I would have had. It was as stunning as I remembered. I still wore my racing bib and an older couple came over to ask about the race. When I told them how my day went they were so sweet. They confirmed my original thoughts. I made the right choice. I went down to the finish area to see Michael come in at 6:04. Then Alex come in at 6:41. Seriously. 6:41 after running a 100 miler the previous weekend. Blew my mind. At 7:24 I thought, I have time to pee, Anya thought she'd be in around 8 hours. I came out of the bathroom and missed her first ultra finish of 7:25. She killed it. Now we were just waiting for Roger. In 2012 he DNF'd and he was so worried about this race. We all knew he'd nail it, but still, you worry. To see him come in at 8:17 was fricking awesome. Demons banished.
I went for a hike up the hill to see the views I would have had. It was as stunning as I remembered. I still wore my racing bib and an older couple came over to ask about the race. When I told them how my day went they were so sweet. They confirmed my original thoughts. I made the right choice. I went down to the finish area to see Michael come in at 6:04. Then Alex come in at 6:41. Seriously. 6:41 after running a 100 miler the previous weekend. Blew my mind. At 7:24 I thought, I have time to pee, Anya thought she'd be in around 8 hours. I came out of the bathroom and missed her first ultra finish of 7:25. She killed it. Now we were just waiting for Roger. In 2012 he DNF'd and he was so worried about this race. We all knew he'd nail it, but still, you worry. To see him come in at 8:17 was fricking awesome. Demons banished.
And now I'm home. And the demons are mine to carry. So many nagging questions flood my mind. In my last DNF I ran 12 kms with a broken ass because I didn't want to quit. In those last 2 kms before pulling out, the pain was excruciating, but I wanted to keep going. Yet this time, I had some sensitive skin and a racing heart and I didn't give it a second moment. I'm done. Why did I give up so easy? Logically I know it was the right call. Emotionally, I question it every single day. I went into my 50 km Trifecta knowing Squamish was the hard one. If I could do Squamish, I could do anything. Coastal would be so much easier. And Oregon should be easier than Coastal. But if I couldn't finish Coastal, what does that say for Oregon? My confidence is gone. My drive is gone. My passion for running is missing. I know I just need to get back on the North Shore and run like a nymph through those technical trails. Yet I couldn't care less.
I strip myself vulnerable in this with the hopes it will be my therapy. That getting it out of my head will clear it from my mind. I have to remember that rainbows don't come out when it's sunny and bright. They need the dismal rain to really shine. I'm a firm believer that there should be no regrets in life. Positive moments are fantastic. However, it's the negative moments that have the most impact. These are the moments that shape us. Every mistake we make teaches us a lesson and makes us who we are today. I love who I am today. Like I said in my Squamish 50 recap, I am f*cking awesome. One decision made in one race, whether the right or wrong choice, should not be a burden. It is what it is and I can't go back and change it. Learn from it. Take this experience and move forward. There was so much good in this day, why am I only focusing on the negative? Because it's so much easier to beat ourselves up for a choice we made when feeling like crap, when now, we can't remember the pain that led to this decision. Find the rainbow.
And eat Froot Loops pancakes.
I strip myself vulnerable in this with the hopes it will be my therapy. That getting it out of my head will clear it from my mind. I have to remember that rainbows don't come out when it's sunny and bright. They need the dismal rain to really shine. I'm a firm believer that there should be no regrets in life. Positive moments are fantastic. However, it's the negative moments that have the most impact. These are the moments that shape us. Every mistake we make teaches us a lesson and makes us who we are today. I love who I am today. Like I said in my Squamish 50 recap, I am f*cking awesome. One decision made in one race, whether the right or wrong choice, should not be a burden. It is what it is and I can't go back and change it. Learn from it. Take this experience and move forward. There was so much good in this day, why am I only focusing on the negative? Because it's so much easier to beat ourselves up for a choice we made when feeling like crap, when now, we can't remember the pain that led to this decision. Find the rainbow.
And eat Froot Loops pancakes.